


Inanimate

by chellefic



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-22
Updated: 2006-02-22
Packaged: 2017-10-31 21:32:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellefic/pseuds/chellefic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mission goes wrong, leaving Rodney desperate to save John.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inanimate

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Danvers and Grrrl for their comments and criticism and to the spouse for saving the ending.

**Day one:**

"I'll get you out of this," Rodney promised.

John, leaning against Rodney's pencil cup, frowned, at least it looked like he frowned. It might have been a trick of the light.

"Come on. When have I ever let you down?" Rodney nodded. "That's right, never. Well, except for that time we don’t talk about, but even if we did talk about it, I'd still have a damn near perfect record." He softened his voice. "Have a little faith, okay?"

After a moment, Rodney nodded again. "Good." Picking up his coffee cup, he resumed reviewing the information Radek had found on transformations in the ancient database. Pigs, puppies, unicorns, and, most horrifying of all, children. Did anyone in the Pegasus galaxy actually spend their entire lives in one form?

 

**Day two:**

"Is this meeting really necessary?" Rodney asked, stepping into Elizabeth's office. "I was up all night reviewing the information Radek found and--"

Colonel Caldwell interrupted. "Is Dr. McKay carrying a doll?"

"That's Sheppard," Ronon growled, stepping close to Rodney's side, almost between Rodney and Caldwell.

"Excuse me?" Caldwell said.

"A beam of light transformed Colonel Sheppard yesterday during our mission to P52-CRK," Teyla explained.

"It turned him into a doll?"

Rodney cradled John protectively against his shoulder. "He is not a doll. He's a beanie baby."

 

Rodney placed John gently on the pillow next to his. He was pretty sure John was far enough away that he wouldn't roll onto him. Just because Carson thought John couldn't be crushed that didn't mean he couldn't be. Carson also thought John was dead. Rodney didn't believe that for a minute. No beanie babies had life signs, so their absence didn't mean a thing.

Stripping down to his boxers and t-shirt, he slid into the bed. He patted John's tummy with three of his fingers. "'night, John." Then he turned out the light.

**  
Day three:**

Rodney was tempted to have Ronon come into the lab and growl at his staff. Didn't they understand that Colonel Sheppard's life was in danger here? This wasn’t your everyday penguin or unicorn transformation. John was an inanimate object, and they had no idea how long he could survive like that.

And if Thompson patted John's head again he was going to take her fingers off.

Then Johnson had to open his mouth.

"That's it," Rodney roared, rising to his feet. Everyone fell silent. "A man's life is at stake, a man who has, on more than one occasion, risked his life for yours." The rest of the science team had the decency to look properly chastised. Rodney straightened his shirt in a move he'd learned from Captain Kirk. "No more jokes, no more speculation," he glared at Johnson who blushed, "and no more unnecessary touching. Now get back to work."

Rodney sat down, but continued glaring at Johnson. The anatomically correct remark had been entirely unnecessary and completely inappropriate.

Glancing at John, Rodney reached over to straighten his hair. The damn yarn kept flopping over.

With a final glare at Johnson, Rodney resumed working.

 

"I’m starving," Rodney said, pushing away from his desk. Everyone else had left an hour before, but Rodney had been determined to keep working. Unfortunately, his stomach was making it clear that if he wanted to work, he was going to have to feed it.

John's hair had flopped over again, and Rodney pushed it back up. "We'll stop on the way."

 

With John sitting comfortably on the edge of his tray, Rodney took the seat next to Lorne's.

"Have you been able to learn anything about Colonel Sheppard's condition?" Teyla asked.

Rodney shook his head. "Not as much as I'd hoped." Picking up his fork, he filled it with meatloaf. He had raised it almost to his mouth when he realized Lorne was staring. "Stop that, it's rude."

"I just can't believe how much it looks like him."

"It is him," Rodney answered, batting away Lorne's hand when he reached for John.

"His hair is different," Ronon said.

Rodney nodded. "Hair gel." The other three gave him one of those looks. "Oh, come on, you know how the Colonel is about his hair."

 

**Day five:**

"Rodney, we're a little concerned," Elizabeth said.

Rodney nodded vigorously. "I am, too. We have no idea how long he can survive like this. If we don't get him back soon…"

"We're all worried about Colonel Sheppard, but I'm also worried about you."

Taken aback, Rodney said, "Me? I'm fine. A little tired, but that's to be expected under the circumstances."

"You asked one of the Athosian women to make Colonel Sheppard a blanket," Carson said.

"I was afraid that if I tried to cover him with the sheet, he'd get lost under it and I'd end up rolling on top of him." Rodney shifted John so that he was a little more secure in the crook of his arm. "And he looked cold."

"You had Dr. Zelenka and two other members of your staff arrested," Elizabeth said gently.

"They were playing monkey in the middle, tossing Colonel Sheppard back and forth like he was some kind of ball." Instinctively, Rodney cradled John's head with his free hand.

"I think arresting them may have been overkill, don't you?"

"Ronon agreed with me." John had been very upset. Rodney had had to rub his tummy to calm him down.

"Maybe you should let me take care of Colonel Sheppard for a while," Kate suggested, stepping forward with her hands held out.

Rodney was smart enough to recognize a corner when he was backed into one. "Fine," he said, letting her take John, "but only for an hour."

 

"How were things with Kate?" Rodney asked, taking his toothbrush from his mouth.

John was propped on a pillow facing him, and Rodney could have sworn he made a face.

"She didn't try to analyze you, did she? Psychiatry is worse than that voodoo Carson practices. I mean really, who falls in love with their mother?" Going back into the bathroom, he rinsed and put his toothbrush away.

He tucked the blanket around John before turning out the light. Then he stroked John's hair gently and closed his eyes.

 

**Day six:**

"This is it!" Rodney said, loudly enough to silence everyone else in the lab. "I've got it."

Radek crowded in, looking at the equations streaming across Rodney's monitor. "I think you do."

"Told you I'd save you," Rodney said to John, who smiled. Rodney didn't even consider that it might be a trick of the light.

 

**Day seven:**

A flash of light and there was Colonel Sheppard, whole and full-sized, with real hair instead of yarn. Beaming, Rodney moved toward him. "I told you I'd save you."

John frowned at him. "What?"

"Are you okay, Colonel?" Teyla asked moving forward as well.

"Aside from being dehydrated and hungry, I'm fine. What the hell took you so long?"

Stung, Rodney said, "What do you mean? What took us so long? You were right there watching us work."

"Watching you work? What are you talking about? I was stuck underground for the last week, rationing my food and water."

"You weren't stuck. You were sitting on my desk." Rodney couldn’t keep his voice from rising.

"Have you lost your mind?" John sounded irritated, very irritated.

"I have not lost my mind. You were a beanie baby!"

"A what?" John was looking at him like he was the crazy one.

"A beanie baby," Rodney repeated, softer this time. He pointed at the doll on the floor next to John. "Like that." Of course, if it was still there, John hadn't been transformed back into a person.

"Perhaps we should get Colonel Sheppard back to Atlantis," Teyla suggested.

"Yes, yes, good idea," Rodney agreed. He waited until the others were at the door before scooping beanie John up and tucking him into his pocket.

 

"It worked." Elizabeth was smiling broadly as she walked toward them. "Welcome back, Colonel," she said warmly.

"Thank you."

Elizabeth smiled at Rodney, "Good work."

"Aside from leaving me trapped for nearly a week." John turned to glare at Rodney, again.

"Trapped?"

"In a small, windowless room, for a week," John said, and Rodney winced.

Elizabeth frowned. "You weren't a beanie baby?"

"No, I wasn't a beanie baby. I was stuck in a small room."

"Which explains the…" Elizabeth politely let her words trail off.

"Smell?" John finished for her. "Yes, it does.

"We should have Carson check you out."

 

Rodney dropped his vest onto the floor next to his desk chair. There wasn't anything in it that needed unpacking. He'd given all of his power bars and water to Colonel Sheppard on the walk back to the gate.

Dropping into his chair, he pulled beanie John from his pocket and propped him up on the desk. "This is all your fault. If you hadn't looked so damn much like him, I would have realized where he was."

John didn’t answer and this time Rodney couldn't even convince himself that he was frowning.

Ronon had theorized the beanie baby had been a kind of ransom note. Which Rodney supposed made sense, except who used stuffed figures as ransom notes? It wasn't like a demand for money had been attached to his chest.

Rodney sighed. He didn't know how he'd get Sheppard to forgive him for this one.

 

The knock on his door was almost a relief. Rolling from the bed, Rodney went to answer it, not bothering with pants.

"Good evening, Rodney," Colonel Sheppard said when the door slid open.

"It's the middle of the night," Rodney answered automatically.

Sheppard gave him one of those smiles. "My biological clock is a little messed up. Must be a week without sunlight."

Rodney sighed and took a step backward. "Come on in." Better to be berated in private.

John's eyes immediately settled on beanie John, ensconced on his pillow. "So that's it?" he asked walking toward the bed.

"Yes."

"It has a blanket."

"Yes, yes, he--it--does."

John picked up beanie John. "It does look like me." He turned beanie John over in his hands. "He has blue striped boxers."

"I didn't dress him," Rodney said, sounding distressingly defensive.

"I heard you had Zelenka arrested."

"He was using you like a ball."

John turned to look at him.

"I thought it was you, okay. I made a mistake. Shocking as it may be I am capable of them. And with the history of transformations in this galaxy, it wasn't that big a leap." When John didn't argue, Rodney thought maybe he'd gained a point. "I'm sorry," he added.

"It has gel in its hair."

"It kept flopping over and, well, I know how you are about your hair."

John didn't say anything, and Rodney shifted his weight from one foot to the other and then back. "Why the blanket?"

"You looked cold."

John nodded. At least he didn't think the blanket was weird. "I have my own pillow?"

Frowning and wondering when this conversation would start to make sense, Rodney nodded once. "Yes." After a moment, he added. "I really am sorry."

"I know you are." John smiled at him.

"You're going to make me pay for this aren't you?"

"For a very long time." John handed him beanie John. "But I'll keep the pillow in mind," he paused, "for after I've forgiven you." Turning to leave, he patted Rodney once on the shoulder. "Good-night, Rodney."

"Good-night," Rodney answered, watching John leave. The door slid shut behind him, and Rodney sat on the edge of his bed. "Could be worse," he said to beanie John. Then he tucked him in, patting him on the stomach and wishing him a good-night before turning out the light.

Pulling the blanket up around his chin he wondered what kind of pervert looked at a beanie baby's boxers.


End file.
